9/20/2008 *

Yesterday was pretty amazing to me... :) Josh came back to school after his week-long vacation in Colorado. I'm not sure how I felt about that. He got all romantic on me, and I'm not ready for that step with him. I'm not sure if I'll ever be. I mean, sure, I like him, but is it enough? It was also my friend BreAnna's birthday. Haha, my present for her was lame, but she couldn't seem happier. Then to make the day even better, I finally memorized my FFA parts that I have to present to judges on Monday (I wish I didn't have to, but the teacher says I can't back out). Oh, and volleyball practice was cancelled! So I hung out with Heather and Mitchell and Kaylee after school til Mom picked me up. We went to Alex, and we went to Times Square. Ashley and Ryan were working. Fuck, Ryan. He makes me smile like none other. If only he weren't so damn hard to make plans with!!  Anyway, then I got some clothes at Fashion Bug, and went to Walmart, where I saw Travis, that made me happy. Then had dinner at Jimmy John's, I saw Brett, that was pretty rad. 

Mom dropped me off at the football game afterwards. I hung out with my brother's girlfriend Randee, and Megan (I haven't seen her for a year!) for most of it. Megan's dating my friend Aaron, I think it's terribly cute. Aaron's a coolie. Anyway, then I talked to Jessica (Travis's sister). That helped a lot, I told her all about my confusion with boys. She gave me such good advice.... I'm not going to say it though, because I'd rather just go along with it, instead of telling the whole world what it is. But I definately think it's worth a try.

Mom and Dad left this morning. I'm home alone til tonight, when my Grandma from Colorado is coming over. I'm excited to see her, but not so excited for the impatience and mood swings that come with old age. Oh well, I'll deal.

9/15/2008 *

Today was wicked boring for me. And Mom just told me that next week I have to get up earlier than I already do to feed her stupid alpacas. I hate the things, I want nothing to do with them... like I'm going to get up earlier, pfsh. Anyway, we got 2 math lessons assigned today. That's a bitch, I won't get it done, promise that much.

But what I was pretty much going to get at in this post is how entirely confused I am about boys. They're not that important to me, I learned my lesson on love a long time ago, and I'll never let it control my life and how I look at things ever again. But there is a serious problem at this point in time, sadly enough. My "first love", Josh, and I have had an off and on thing ever since we dated 2 years ago. I know I'll always like him, even if it's the tiniest bit, but right now, I downright know I'm still in love with him. He makes me laugh so much, it's incredible. But a part of me (I don't know how big of a part) really wants something new. But is that really a big enough issue to stop me from going back to Josh?

Then there's Sam. Apparently, he's liked me ever since we met, 2 years ago. I never know how I feel about him... best friend material, or more than that? I really want to see what we would be like, but not unless I'm positive about him, which I'm not sure I'll ever be. All I know is that his hugs are the best hugs I've ever encountered in my life. So there's another boy. The last one that I'm unsure about is Ryan. I met him not too long ago, he works with my brother. I don't know him that well at all, but when I first saw / said "hey" to him, I really can't forget the connection that I think I felt. I've never experienced that kind of reaction to someone I'm just meeting, and it totally shocked me. He's really cute, and when I read what he writes, or hear a small thing about him, he's very different from other guys I've met, and I like that. But he's got a rep of not keeping his plans, and right now, I really don't get the time of day. So is this "connection" I feel worth holding onto and trying for, or should I just forget it?

There's a lot off my chest. I don't even know who reads this, but I know I'll come back to it in a few weeks or months, and think of how foolish I am to get so confused about these 3 boys. But oh well, right? Life's pretty decent right now, I can't complain.

9/13/2008 *

So many things have been on my mind lately, it's hard to understand why I think like I do. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but I hate waiting for the reason to appear.

Yesterday I went on a 12 mile walk with my best friend Trina, and her sister Sara. We walked to the cemetary out by a small lake, and I picked flowers to put next to their little cousin Charlie's grave. I've never gone to a cemetary without crying, or without leaving with saddened thoughts. But this time I had a different view of things... maybe Charlie died for a reason. He had a disease, he was autistic. He couldn't say even a few words, but he made a bigger difference in a lot of people's lives than a capable person could ever make in most others. Maybe he died so that we could realize just how deep love goes, without having to voice it every moment of the day.

About a week ago I watched a really good show, too, Into The Wild. It's extremely good, and gives you a totally new perspective on things. I cried at the end, but my friend Travis warned me that I would. I learned something very important from that movie. Happiness is only real when it's shared.

I had so much more to say, but I just forgot it all. Today is a lazy day... I'll probably watch 4 or 5 movies in a row, with a glass of Yo-J, :). Next time I write, I'll probably tell you more about my day or week or whatever, instead.